Compulsions of a mother

One of the wonderful aspects of aging is a certain realization and acceptance of ourselves. My nose has a bump, I don’t move the furniture when I sweep, pretty sure I will never floss except the day before I go to the dentist (like that really makes a difference, I know), and I really enjoy compulsive behavior.

I have tried to understand my neurosis. I don’t know if it’s the nature of motherhood managing, playing, and working with kids all day or just me. After donating my body as jungle gym, napkin, and pillow when the evening comes my impulse is to stay up way too late, eat junk food and dive into a project. I think I must crave a little irresponsibility and it begins at 8 pm within the walls of my, most likely, messy home. My compulsion is an outward effort to exert identity separate from people under 5. I am not sure if television broadcast over the internet, an obsession for family photo books and bowls of ice cream are an identity, but I certainly enjoy the indulgence, the later the better. I have amazing powers of imagination. While splurging on irresponsibility I imagine that I won’t be awake by 6:15 the next morning.

My latest obsessive-compulsive fixation: blurb books. I fear my compulsion to make books may negate some of the positive aspects of recording my families’ life. Since I made my first book a month ago, I have chronicled my 3rd child’s entire first year, completed in dazzling color all of 2007, and have captured 95 amazing pages for summer 2008 (to help with the math, 4 books in 1 month). I am not writing this that you may be impressed by my organization or awed by my commitment to detail my family life; I really think it moves away from commitment and never touches on organization. Since discovering blurb, I take my camera everywhere and stay up into the wee hours of night arranging photos and recording both the significant and insignificant happenings of my family. In every spare minute I manically check blurb, as if anything has changed since the last time I saved the book.

I embrace myself--quirks compulsions and all. I can't wait to add blogging to the list.